Monday, October 24, 2011

Breakin The Law....Breakin the Law

Top Ten Food Crimes (My list)
Inspired by Chow's Top Ten Food Crimes, I have endevered to create my own Top Ten Food Crimes Punishable by Death:

- Undertiping: We can treat this under a three strikes rule because let’s be honest, we have all been too sloshed, too distracted or too bad at math to have not done this at least once. However, repeat offenders must be punished by death. Or they have to eat a meal after their waiter spit in it.

- Well Done Steak: like steak?! why not try it with all the flavor cooked out. I don’t fault someone their life choices but I will never understand you well-done folks. Sorry. Punishment: before I serve you I will remark that I cooked it till it was done then cooked in 30 minutes more…..just for you

- People that won’t cook a steak well-done: (This person is real) OK we get it! You like steak medium. Well-done steak tastes like raw-hide. But who the hell are you to tell others they are doing something the “wrong way”. You don’t have to eat it. So get off your high horse and put the steak back on the grill you pretentious ass. Punishment: your steak gets cooked well too…ha

- Garlic salt: what did your food ever do to you. Punishement: death

- Mayonnaise on a burger: un really? Is this Canada? And does a meal that is delicious BECAUSE it celebrates the natural juiciness of fatty beef product sometimes smothered in cheese really need another 300 calories of fat globbed on top? Punishement: Mayonnaise-boarding

- White Beans in Mexican Food: ever since I read Alex Kapronous’s book Sound Bite, and he mentions getting Mexican with white beans I have been scared. Punishment: I’ll smash all your Franz Ferdinand CD’s

- Bad Cookies: and someone explain to me why the worst cookies always come from someone who claims to make “awesome cookies”. Awesome my ass. It has half a chocolate chip in it and it can double as a hockey puck. Punishment: death

- Everything Bagels Without Salt: so in other words, Almost Everythings. Like corn fields and incest, the farther you are from any metropolitan area, the more likely this is. Punishment: Flogging with a log of Phili Cream cheese in a sock

- Calling a Sub a Grinder: a Hoogie, Sub, Submarine, Hero, Wedge….all acceptable. A grinder? That is something you get in a strip club. Punishment: Grinder from Dick Cheney. And if you ask underage children to engage in Simsburys Annual Grinder Sale? Then you join the list of registered foodie offenders

- Calling Hamburger, Hamburg: Starting just shy of Connecticut’s norther boarder and suddenly you can order Hamburg in your calzones or buy it by the pound in the grocery store, which is strange because IT”S STILL IN GERMANY!!! Once upon a time someone wondered what you called a hamburger before it was formed and figured Hamburg! I am a genius! And so for generations chop meat was so named. Look I know it,s the north and I know having your head up your ass is a great way to keep your ears warm but here is a basic lesson: When it’s ground meat i’ts Hamburger, when it’s formed its a hamburger patty and when it’s the second largest city in Germany it’s Hamburg. Punishment: a slap in the face for every second of my life you waste arguing with me about this idiocy

artistic credit to Lauren "P-nut" Niezabitowski for my erotic dancing sandwich

Monday, October 17, 2011

How Bout Them Apples Party

So I’m not sure why it’s taken me an eon to write this entry about my dinner party but I regret to inform you that this post is almost two weeks late. My friends and I decided that with the pending Halloween holiday that we all wanted to throw different themed parties. Mine, we decided should be first and it was going to be a Single-Man party. Not a everyone had to be a single man though that could be a good theme, but rather a theme that revolved around the film A Single Man directed by Tom Ford. Haven’t seen it? Go now.
Well, I went for a walk in the park behind my house and made quite a discovery. You know how parks have those roofed picnic areas? Well Stratton Forrest has one with a fire place! I know! So suffice to say my theme party had lost its theme and become an outdoor picnic by fireplace.
Every day I checked the weather and every day Sunday promised to be sunny and bright. Every day that is but the night before my party when I got the super fun news that it was going to rain. Party was moving inside.
Then a certain friend had pretty much the shittiest week ever. I debated making Xanax an hours devours.
Well I’m pleased to report that despite these minor set-backs the party was a success. Let’s hear it for the healing properties of friends and alcohol.
The unofficial food-theme was apples. Here is the menu:
Apple-cheddar Palmiers
Roast Chicken with Apple-Sage-Sourdough Stuffing, and Balsamic Onions
Sweet Potato Casserole (See thanksgiving)
Fried Apple Rings with Blue cheese sauce
Hard Apple Cider
And finally, Apple Tart Titan

First things first. The Apple Tart Titan. Let me just say that I routinely have a problem with things that need to be flipped out of a pan. So I made the wise executive decision to make something with caramel that needed to be flipped out of a pan before a party. Suffice to say I was shitting a brick the whole time I was making it. Well it came out, except for a few apples which were easily removed and put back on the tart, which was baller by the way. Not too sweet considering it’s apple and caramel, and definitely something I would make again.
Next the Chicken. Quick Recipe:
Unpack and rinse the chicken, season the cavity with salt and pepper. Quick trick with this. I like to put salt and pepper in a small prep bowl before I season so I can move the chicken around while seasoning without worrying about any cross contamination. Take a stick of butter and cut it in half. Using your index finger, separate the skin of the chicken breast from the meat and insert one half of the butter with a sprig of rosemary. In essence you are giving the chicken what looks like a breast implant made out of butter. Place in a roasting pan with halved onions (cut the onion at both “pointy” ends to remove skin and make sure the onion has a flat bottom to stand on). I consult Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook for cooking time and temperature. About half way through cooking, when you open the oven to baste the bird, drizzle a few tablespoons of balsamic vinegar on the onions.
The onions are what I like to call a “people pleaser”. I have never met anyone….ever….who didn’t like these onions. So making them is like dousing your recipes in truffle oil. It’s kindof a cheap ploy to get people to like your food. Trust me on this.
Also, I made them and in my haste to cut my bird I forgot to put them out. So until someone said, “wait! Where are the onions?” they didn’t make it onto the table. So note two” Serve them!!!
Lastly the Palmiers. Take two apples (I tried this first with Macoun but Granny Smith works better), peel them, and then grate on a box grater. Place the grated apple in a strainer over a bowl and press with a fork to remove some of the moisture. Let the apple sit for about then minutes and press again. Then add about half a cup of grated cheddar cheese. Roll out one package of frozen, thawed puff pastry. Sprinkle the apple mixture onto the puff pastry leaving a little at each short end. Roll each side in to the center forming what looks like a scroll. Cut the roll into slices about an inch thick and place on their side on a cookie sheet. Bake according to the package (about 15 minutes at 400 degrees)
My guests seemed to like the food and the only real suggestion (as always) was that I needed to make more food. So I hope you enjoy the recipes and take from my party crisis the important lesson that no diner party goes exactly as planned but can still go well and be fun no matter how much goes wrong.