Inspired by Chow's Top Ten Food Crimes, I have endevered to create my own Top Ten Food Crimes Punishable by Death:
- Undertiping: We can treat this under a three strikes rule because let’s be honest, we have all been too sloshed, too distracted or too bad at math to have not done this at least once. However, repeat offenders must be punished by death. Or they have to eat a meal after their waiter spit in it.
- Well Done Steak: like steak?! why not try it with all the flavor cooked out. I don’t fault someone their life choices but I will never understand you well-done folks. Sorry. Punishment: before I serve you I will remark that I cooked it till it was done then cooked in 30 minutes more…..just for you
- People that won’t cook a steak well-done: (This person is real) OK we get it! You like steak medium. Well-done steak tastes like raw-hide. But who the hell are you to tell others they are doing something the “wrong way”. You don’t have to eat it. So get off your high horse and put the steak back on the grill you pretentious ass. Punishment: your steak gets cooked well too…ha
- Garlic salt: what did your food ever do to you. Punishement: death
- Mayonnaise on a burger: un really? Is this Canada? And does a meal that is delicious BECAUSE it celebrates the natural juiciness of fatty beef product sometimes smothered in cheese really need another 300 calories of fat globbed on top? Punishement: Mayonnaise-boarding
- White Beans in Mexican Food: ever since I read Alex Kapronous’s book Sound Bite, and he mentions getting Mexican with white beans I have been scared. Punishment: I’ll smash all your Franz Ferdinand CD’s
- Bad Cookies: and someone explain to me why the worst cookies always come from someone who claims to make “awesome cookies”. Awesome my ass. It has half a chocolate chip in it and it can double as a hockey puck. Punishment: death
- Everything Bagels Without Salt: so in other words, Almost Everythings. Like corn fields and incest, the farther you are from any metropolitan area, the more likely this is. Punishment: Flogging with a log of Phili Cream cheese in a sock
- Calling a Sub a Grinder: a Hoogie, Sub, Submarine, Hero, Wedge….all acceptable. A grinder? That is something you get in a strip club. Punishment: Grinder from Dick Cheney. And if you ask underage children to engage in Simsburys Annual Grinder Sale? Then you join the list of registered foodie offenders
- Calling Hamburger, Hamburg: Starting just shy of Connecticut’s norther boarder and suddenly you can order Hamburg in your calzones or buy it by the pound in the grocery store, which is strange because IT”S STILL IN GERMANY!!! Once upon a time someone wondered what you called a hamburger before it was formed and figured Hamburg! I am a genius! And so for generations chop meat was so named. Look I know it,s the north and I know having your head up your ass is a great way to keep your ears warm but here is a basic lesson: When it’s ground meat i’ts Hamburger, when it’s formed its a hamburger patty and when it’s the second largest city in Germany it’s Hamburg. Punishment: a slap in the face for every second of my life you waste arguing with me about this idiocy
artistic credit to Lauren "P-nut" Niezabitowski for my erotic dancing sandwich
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