So recently I read an interesting article on Chow about The 10 Signs of a Bad Cook. I agreed with most of their statements but it still made me want to come up with a list of my own. These are not wholly conclusive factors and may merely indicate a good cook in bad cooks clothing. Please Take care to read these as warning signs and not as me being the most judgmental guest on the planet (Though I may be). Also should you see multiple of these factors as you wait to be served, please text your mom, ask her to call your cell phone and pretend she's having a heart attack so you can leave.
So here is what I think are the Top Ten Signs of a Bad Cook….or rather Top Ten Signs You Are About To Eat Something Gross:
1. “I’m sorry, can you leave the flavor out of mine?”
ie Anyone who claims to not use salt. I agree with Chow on this one 100%. I knew someone (no names) who while I was cooking him/her a delicious meal asked “is there any chance you can leave out the salt?”. Trying to keep my Bitch-slap reflex in check and refrain from asking if I should also add dead baby eyes, he/she explained to me that salt was soooo unhealthy and surely the meal would be better without it. Two points here:
One: Salt brings out the flavor of food so when you advertise that you don’t use it you simultaneously advertise that you don’t use flavor in your food (yum!! Can’t wait to try dinner now). It is also a misnomer to some degree as most people that claim to use “no salt” do in fact use a ton because of the ingredients they use.
Two: going along with Chow’s feelings on this, if you have ever eaten anything processed in your life….ever, you have ingested more salt then the average cook uses in any given meal provided they are not also using prepared ingredients. This person enjoyed a plethora of home-cooked meals that contained jarred salsas, spice mixes, and bottled salad dressings all of which contained more salt then what I was making right then. And I tried as nicely as I could to explain this to him/her and hopefully that message was received.
End note: salt=flavor, and if you are concerned about sodium levels make the transition of fresh foods, rather then cut out the seasoning process.
2. My Recipe For Disaster.
This is a testament to the power of the possessive pronoun. Whenever I hear my pending meal announced as “My..*insert food here*” I know I am in for something that tastes like brick, ass and toothpaste. MY tuna casserole, MY waffles, and my all time favorite MY tomato sauce are practically translated to MY contribution to your gastronomic discomfort. Why? It seems crazy, but years of anecdotal evidence have taught me to hear this phrase with an appropriate amount of horror. I have a theory as to why: I think it comes down to intent. When you advertise your cooking with the possessive MY what you are saying to me is really: “I tried a recipe once, tweaked it a little to make it my own, then kept making it when people liked it” The object here was the glory not the quality. The end goal was to have a recipe wholly their own that they could use to advertise their skill. To me a truly sound cook instead says things like “I have a great recipe for…” or “I make a mean…”. The second ownership is out of the equation you can bet you are dealing with someone who aims to make the best version of whatever dish they can, rather then simply stamp their name on it. And for the record, I am all for recipe tweaking (see the potato salad rule) but if you are committed to making the best food you can, that minor tweet will evolve until it is perfect, and to date I have never seen this in a MY recipe.
3. The Potato Salad Rule:
This is when a cook doesn’t make things they way they like to eat them. Let’s start with a story. Five or so years ago my mother gave me her potato salad recipe. It was handwritten on a piece of graph paper, lovingly titled Momz Tato Salad, and was one of the first ever entries into my now monstrously sized recipe book. I loved hers and made it over and over. Well a few years pass, and now my mother and I can both make potato salad, put them side by side, and it is clear that they are different. This is because we make them the way we like to eat them. My mother’s has a lighter sauce, with more aggressive herbaceous flavor (she uses lovage instead of celery) and mine is more mustardy and peppery (two things in life that I love). And they are both delicious. In fact one of these days we should both make it just to have a laugh about the Tato Salad Darwinian Evolution.
And this story leads to my point. You cook by taste. And if you cook by someone else’s taste you effectively cook for no ones taste. So if I hear the phrase “I tried to make it the way you like it” I brace myself.
Note: this rule does not apply to mom’s as they have magic ninja abilities to make everything the way you like, especially when you are sick.
4. The Clean Kitchen Rule
I won’t name names but I know more than a few people who have kitchens that advertise “I can’t flippin cook”. You know the ones. Perfectly clean, nothing on the counters, pristine stoves, microwaves, organized fridges. You might as well post a sign on the door that says “I live on take-out”. Not that a kitchen shouldn’t be clean. In fact the kitchen is the one place in the house that I am fastidious about. But when I cook I need things: salt, oil, pepper, tongs, spoons, a dish towel, a bowl, a cutting board etc. all at a reasonably accessible distance. If you’ve ever tried to cook in a “show kitchen” you know how must of a pain in the ass it is trying ot cook when nothing is out. Your digging around cabinets, going through drawers and the simple task of seasoning your now burning pot of whatever has turned into a 10 minute game of Where in the World is the Salt Shaker. It’s annoying but the people who live there don’t realize it because….they can’t cook.
5. The Messy Kitchen Rule
Almost as bad as the show kitchen in the messy kitchen or more notably, the messy cook. This is someone who doesn’t make dinner so much as dinner explodes in the kitchen,. Pots are boiling over, the paper towel role is empty, while sheets of used towels lay strewn all over the counters soaking up all manners of grossness. Makes me crazy.
It is important to note though that this is not an automatic indicator so much as a warning sing. Some people can contain the chaos. My aunt for example is both a good cook and a notorious paper towel terrorist. (our favorite is Thanksgiving where we find at least 5 of them soaked in turkey juice……delicious) And the food is still amazing. Don’t ask me how they do it.
But for as many competent chaos cookers as there are there are more unorganized, hotmesses. A messy kitchen for them is almost always a surefire sign of a lack of organization, preparation and serenity. So be on guard.
6. The Dull Blades
Dull knifes= I clearly don’t cook well. The duller the knife the harder the work and the higher likelihood of bodily injury. So this is almost always a sure fire sign
7. People Who Don’t know How to Use Their Shit Rule
This applies to both people who don’t know how their many kitchen gadgets work and those that use their equipment with no regard for their upkeep. Ex: The second you see someone stir sauce in a nonstick pot with a fork….turn and run
8. The Stop and Shop Rule:
It is summer, there are many beautiful things in season, and any meal that utilizes more then one of them and were purchased at Stop and Shop rather then the many (and might I add cheaper) farmers markets/farm stands that litter this part of CT like a venereal disease breakout, I try to hold back to the tears of longing for the flavor that apparently won’t be joining us for dinner
9. Garlic Salt Rule
This is less an indictment of the “spice” as much as it is a general rule concerning the use of pre-mixed, freeze dried spices rather then the real deal. You have garlic, you don’t need garlic powder (in fact I’m dubious if you ever need Garlic Powder ever) Further, any premade mix effectively does two things, adds unnecessary salt and prohibits you from controlling your flavor effectively.
Exception: Herbs de Providence
10. The Misguided Health Rule
This is basically and extension of the salt rule. Any time I see someone labor over a “healthy version” of whatever I brace myself. There are many cooks who can successfully make a healthy meal low in trans fats, calories, gluten what have you. But those folks who make misguided attempts at “healthy cooking” by using margarine, Pam (instead of butter or Olive Oil) , no salt and whole wheat flour indiscriminately usually are only making flavorless food with the consistency of sand and loading me with chemicals I would rather not be eating. So do me a favor…..Practice your “healthy” meals at home.
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