Breakin The Law....Breakin the Law

Top Ten Food Crimes (My list)
Inspired by Chow's Top Ten Food Crimes, I have endevered to create my own Top Ten Food Crimes Punishable by Death:

- Undertiping: We can treat this under a three strikes rule because let’s be honest, we have all been too sloshed, too distracted or too bad at math to have not done this at least once. However, repeat offenders must be punished by death. Or they have to eat a meal after their waiter spit in it.

- Well Done Steak: like steak?! why not try it with all the flavor cooked out. I don’t fault someone their life choices but I will never understand you well-done folks. Sorry. Punishment: before I serve you I will remark that I cooked it till it was done then cooked in 30 minutes more…..just for you

- People that won’t cook a steak well-done: (This person is real) OK we get it! You like steak medium. Well-done steak tastes like raw-hide. But who the hell are you to tell others they are doing something the “wrong way”. You don’t have to eat it. So get off your high horse and put the steak back on the grill you pretentious ass. Punishment: your steak gets cooked well too…ha

- Garlic salt: what did your food ever do to you. Punishement: death

- Mayonnaise on a burger: un really? Is this Canada? And does a meal that is delicious BECAUSE it celebrates the natural juiciness of fatty beef product sometimes smothered in cheese really need another 300 calories of fat globbed on top? Punishement: Mayonnaise-boarding

- White Beans in Mexican Food: ever since I read Alex Kapronous’s book Sound Bite, and he mentions getting Mexican with white beans I have been scared. Punishment: I’ll smash all your Franz Ferdinand CD’s

- Bad Cookies: and someone explain to me why the worst cookies always come from someone who claims to make “awesome cookies”. Awesome my ass. It has half a chocolate chip in it and it can double as a hockey puck. Punishment: death

- Everything Bagels Without Salt: so in other words, Almost Everythings. Like corn fields and incest, the farther you are from any metropolitan area, the more likely this is. Punishment: Flogging with a log of Phili Cream cheese in a sock

- Calling a Sub a Grinder: a Hoogie, Sub, Submarine, Hero, Wedge….all acceptable. A grinder? That is something you get in a strip club. Punishment: Grinder from Dick Cheney. And if you ask underage children to engage in Simsburys Annual Grinder Sale? Then you join the list of registered foodie offenders

- Calling Hamburger, Hamburg: Starting just shy of Connecticut’s norther boarder and suddenly you can order Hamburg in your calzones or buy it by the pound in the grocery store, which is strange because IT”S STILL IN GERMANY!!! Once upon a time someone wondered what you called a hamburger before it was formed and figured Hamburg! I am a genius! And so for generations chop meat was so named. Look I know it,s the north and I know having your head up your ass is a great way to keep your ears warm but here is a basic lesson: When it’s ground meat i’ts Hamburger, when it’s formed its a hamburger patty and when it’s the second largest city in Germany it’s Hamburg. Punishment: a slap in the face for every second of my life you waste arguing with me about this idiocy

artistic credit to Lauren "P-nut" Niezabitowski for my erotic dancing sandwich

How Bout Them Apples Party

So I’m not sure why it’s taken me an eon to write this entry about my dinner party but I regret to inform you that this post is almost two weeks late. My friends and I decided that with the pending Halloween holiday that we all wanted to throw different themed parties. Mine, we decided should be first and it was going to be a Single-Man party. Not a everyone had to be a single man though that could be a good theme, but rather a theme that revolved around the film A Single Man directed by Tom Ford. Haven’t seen it? Go now.
Well, I went for a walk in the park behind my house and made quite a discovery. You know how parks have those roofed picnic areas? Well Stratton Forrest has one with a fire place! I know! So suffice to say my theme party had lost its theme and become an outdoor picnic by fireplace.
Every day I checked the weather and every day Sunday promised to be sunny and bright. Every day that is but the night before my party when I got the super fun news that it was going to rain. Party was moving inside.
Then a certain friend had pretty much the shittiest week ever. I debated making Xanax an hours devours.
Well I’m pleased to report that despite these minor set-backs the party was a success. Let’s hear it for the healing properties of friends and alcohol.
The unofficial food-theme was apples. Here is the menu:
Apple-cheddar Palmiers
Roast Chicken with Apple-Sage-Sourdough Stuffing, and Balsamic Onions
Sweet Potato Casserole (See thanksgiving)
Fried Apple Rings with Blue cheese sauce
Hard Apple Cider
And finally, Apple Tart Titan

First things first. The Apple Tart Titan. Let me just say that I routinely have a problem with things that need to be flipped out of a pan. So I made the wise executive decision to make something with caramel that needed to be flipped out of a pan before a party. Suffice to say I was shitting a brick the whole time I was making it. Well it came out, except for a few apples which were easily removed and put back on the tart, which was baller by the way. Not too sweet considering it’s apple and caramel, and definitely something I would make again.
Next the Chicken. Quick Recipe:
Unpack and rinse the chicken, season the cavity with salt and pepper. Quick trick with this. I like to put salt and pepper in a small prep bowl before I season so I can move the chicken around while seasoning without worrying about any cross contamination. Take a stick of butter and cut it in half. Using your index finger, separate the skin of the chicken breast from the meat and insert one half of the butter with a sprig of rosemary. In essence you are giving the chicken what looks like a breast implant made out of butter. Place in a roasting pan with halved onions (cut the onion at both “pointy” ends to remove skin and make sure the onion has a flat bottom to stand on). I consult Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook for cooking time and temperature. About half way through cooking, when you open the oven to baste the bird, drizzle a few tablespoons of balsamic vinegar on the onions.
The onions are what I like to call a “people pleaser”. I have never met anyone….ever….who didn’t like these onions. So making them is like dousing your recipes in truffle oil. It’s kindof a cheap ploy to get people to like your food. Trust me on this.
Also, I made them and in my haste to cut my bird I forgot to put them out. So until someone said, “wait! Where are the onions?” they didn’t make it onto the table. So note two” Serve them!!!
Lastly the Palmiers. Take two apples (I tried this first with Macoun but Granny Smith works better), peel them, and then grate on a box grater. Place the grated apple in a strainer over a bowl and press with a fork to remove some of the moisture. Let the apple sit for about then minutes and press again. Then add about half a cup of grated cheddar cheese. Roll out one package of frozen, thawed puff pastry. Sprinkle the apple mixture onto the puff pastry leaving a little at each short end. Roll each side in to the center forming what looks like a scroll. Cut the roll into slices about an inch thick and place on their side on a cookie sheet. Bake according to the package (about 15 minutes at 400 degrees)
My guests seemed to like the food and the only real suggestion (as always) was that I needed to make more food. So I hope you enjoy the recipes and take from my party crisis the important lesson that no diner party goes exactly as planned but can still go well and be fun no matter how much goes wrong.

What To Get The Man Who Has Everything? French Dinner! That's What

Everyone has a few of those things, those things that make them truely happy. Prefect example: my friend and I went to Kent, CT on a mini-day-cation and we were both starving, drawn like flesh eating zombies to the alluring smell of dinner food into a small, cheap and delightful little resterant in the center of town. And on the menu was a hotdog, with Kraut, and fries. And have you ever had something that is just exactly what you wanted right then and there? Is there anything better? No.

Well one of these things, these perfect culinary delights, these exactly what I ordered foods for my Dad is Alsation Apple Tart from Lutece. He literally talked about this dessert for years until my very determined mother tracked it down a year or two ago. It was then made the crowning moment of an epic Prime Rib dinner a year ago on my Dad's birthday. See that blog post, and feel free to be jealous that I am not YOUR child.

Well this year we made it again, only it was paired with a Poulet Provencal masterfully crafted by my sister.

Yeah he's spoiled.....but he's a good Dad so I guess he deserves it.

Here is the recipe:
Alsatian Apple Tart

Snap, Krackle and Fish?!

When you think of English cuisine, one can't help but to think of Fish and Chips. Like so many identifying indigenous food items, a region cannot help but be identified by it's junk food. Think Philadelphia and the Phili Cheese. So when I went into my big book of magazine clipping recipes, in search of something to do with my piece of Tilapia, I stumbled across this recipe to "lighten up" Fish and Chips. The cool thing about this recipe, which drew me to it initially, was that in order to keep the fish's signature crispiness without deep frying it, the fish is breaded in rice krispies. I know! Well I decided to go for it and I have to say two things:

1. It was flippin delicious!! No one was more surprised then me at the epic tastiness of this silly recipe but it was crispy on the outside, moist on the inside, and nice and light.

2. The people at Food Network Magazine must not test their recipes. This is the second time I have made a recipe according to their specs and had it come out not quite right.

First the fries went in at the temp and for the time requested and immediately turned to burned hotmess. Fearing the same result with the fish, the second it started to to brown I reduced the cooking temperature to 400 and it came out fantastic. I think the problem is the recipe says to preheat your oven to 450, convection is you can, but the recipe does not take into account the different cooking times resulting from using a convection versus regular oven. So maybe you could follow the directions verbatim if using a regular oven.

I think my conclusion here is this recipe is worth trying, just make sure you watch your food once it goes in and adjust accordingly

Ingredients
For the Chips:
3 medium russet potatoes (1 1/4 pounds)
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Pinch of cayenne pepper
Kosher salt
For the Fish:
Olive oil cooking spray
2 3/4 cups crispy rice cereal
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
3 large egg whites
1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless Pollock (or other firm white fish), cut into 2-by-4-inch pieces
Tartar sauce and/or malt vinegar, for serving (optional)

Directions
Position racks in the upper and lower thirds of the oven and preheat to 450 degrees F using the convection setting, if available. Place a baking sheet on one of the racks to preheat.

Prepare the chips: Cut the potatoes into 1/4-inch-thick sticks. Toss with the olive oil and cayenne in a bowl. Carefully remove the hot baking sheet from the oven, add the potatoes and spread in an even layer. Use a rubber spatula to scrape any oil from the bowl over the potatoes. Bake on the top oven rack, turning once, until browned and crisp, 25 to 30 minutes. Season with salt.

Meanwhile, make the fish: Set a wire rack on a baking sheet and coat with cooking spray. Lightly crush the cereal in a bowl with your fingers. Add 2 teaspoons salt, and black pepper to taste. In another bowl, whisk the egg whites and a pinch of salt until frothy.

Dip the fish in the egg whites, then roll in the cereal crumbs to coat. Place the fish pieces on the rack (position them on their sides so that the majority of the crust is exposed) and mist with cooking spray.

Bake the fish on the bottom oven rack until crisp and just cooked through, about 12 minutes. Season with salt and black pepper. Serve the fish and chips with tartar sauce and/or malt vinegar, if desired.

Per serving: Calories 442; Fat 15 g (Saturated 2 g); Cholesterol 63 mg; Sodium 1,015 mg; Carbohydrate 37 g; Fiber 2 g; Protein 37 g

Yum Yum Yum Sauce

So the other day I was consumed by a culinary quest. I love hibachi, especially steak hibachi. The steak, when done right, comes out amazingly juicy, and is served with a sauce that takes its delicious taste from good to awesome. Well we had a boneless rib-eye and I thought what a perfect complement to it.

Well that is where the simplicity ends. Do you think I could find this shit on the internet anywhere?! Any search of “hibachi sauce” “sauce that is served with hibachi” etc yielded countless hibachi menus, restaurant websites, all of which did not bother to mention what they served with their hibachi (bitches)

Finally after almost 20 minutes of searching (I know it’s hard to be me) I finally found a website (yes a whole freakin website. I follow “Chucks Easy Recipe” but there are others if you feel more ambitious) that listed all of this elusive sauces many aliases, one of which was Yum Yum Sauce (gotta love the Japanese. Why come up with a fancy name when you can just get right to the point. The sauce is yummy = yum yum sauce) The others were white sauce, shrimp sauce, sakura sauce

Well here is the recipe, and let me tell you it lives up to its name. I served it with a pan-seared steak (nom) and cauliflower.
1 cup mayonnaise (Chuck insists quite ardently on Hellmanns)
¼ cup water
1 teaspoon tomato paste
1 tablespoon melted butter
½ teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon sugar
¼ teaspoon paprika
Dash of cayenne pepper
Whisk all ingredients together thoroughly until well mixed and smooth. The sauce should then be refrigerated over night so that the flavors can meld. I have to admit I did not and it still tasted good but it is exponentially better today….just an FYI

Boozing 101

So today was very similar to driving a car with no gas. I was out late last night enjoying watermelon margaritas and a round of the Twilight drinking game (more on that later) and then woke up unconscionably early to attend Papermania with my dad, sister and aunt, THEN went to Guido’s, all with a case of post-drinking dehydration and little sleep. Well in the midst of all of this ordered chaos, I get a call from a dear friend with a project. She has recently purchased a bar and wanted advice on stocking it. The project basically consists of creating a list of necessary libations, as well as recommendations as to where to save or splurge on brand, and a general pecking order of importance so each necessary bar component can be purchased in order of necessity (we are young, broke and beautiful after all). She expressed concern that this was an unfairly arduous request in light of my dilapidated state but I assured her the challenge would both be fun and would provide me with a good blog article (This is where you come in neglected reader)
So here are my thoughts.

Necessities:

Vodka: Clear libation, distilled from fermented grains, potatoes, or fruits, with its origins in Poland and Russia. I think this is one of the first bottles that should be invested in. It’s taste is very subtle and therefore it mixes well with a number of things. So if this is the first bottle you buy it has the most variety of potential as well as the most mass appeal.

Investment?

The key question here is “do you like martinis?” (or Vodka Tonics, or any other drink where the Vodka is the predominant player) I ask because I do…like a lot. So for people like me a nice bottle of vodka (I prefer Chopin, which is made from potatoes) is a necessity. However, if you are not into your tini’s straight up and prefer them with fruit juice and some cheeky name (looking at you tart-tini) then there is no need to spend big bucks on a liquor you with then take pains to mask the taste of.

Whiskey: This is, at least to me, the next most important investment. Besides being my drink of choice, I find I use this a lot in cooking. They are either malted (made from malted barley) or grain whiskeys and there are a multitude of types. So I think it matters what you’ll be using it for when deciding what to buy.

Investment?

If you are not a big whiskey drinker I would opt for a bottle of a decent but relatively inexpensive brand like Jack Daniels, or even Jim Beam. These brands are good in something like a jack and coke but also good enough to quiet the rumblings of old-man drinkers like me. (Exciting side note, Jack Daniels is produced in a dry county in Tennessee and therefore cannot be sold in that county….I know!) If you are big into whiskey drinking I suggest a higher shelf bourbon, Maker’s Mark (my personal favorite) or Knob Creek. You could also consider investing in a good bottle of Scotch Whiskey, though I will admit ignorance here as I do not like scotch (too smooth). Scotch is generally distilled twice, and must be produced in Scotland to earn the official moniker “Scotch”. It is not something I would suggest buying though if you are not into it however, as scotch drinkers are like hipsters or Red Sox fans…..hard to please, and therefore you are better off not trying to please this picky crowd.

Rum: I have to admit I’m not a big rum drinker but if you like to mix drinks this is a necessity. Rum in the key ingredient in everything from mojitos to pina coladas. Typically made from sugar cane, I would definitely suggest investing in a decent bottle of the stuff. Most of what goes into a cocktail is light rum, like Bacardi. So this is a more or less mandatory buy

Gin: Gin is a tricky one. The key here is whether you like Gin. (Or again, do you like Martini’s? There is little in this world better than an ice cold Bombay Sapphire Martini) It has been my experience that a house without Gin isn’t usually a problem for most party goers. (I can’t think of a single person who claims Gin as their libation of choice). Gin derives its flavor from Juniper berries. And it is for this reason I caution you not to go cheap. Cheap Gin tends to taste suspiciously like Pinesol and is good in absolutely nothing. My suggestions are Tanqueray or Bombay. And if you are not a “Gin Person” I say you grab a small bottle (like the ones behind the counter at the liquor store) of one of these high-end brands to have on hand for cocktail emergencies.

Tequila: This is another necessity, derived from the Blue Agave plant. If you love Margaritas you should probably move this to the top of the list, but then again if you love Margaritas you probably already have.

Investment?

Tequila is one of those things you really should have, even if you aren’t crazy about it, because at some point you’ll have a guest that does. My advice is to grab a bottle of something like Jose. And for the love of God DON”T GO CHEAPER!!! Trust me. I had a bad experience. If you want to invest in better Tequila, I would still buy the Jose for mixing. I would also advise you to invest in a good Blanco (Like Patron) and try to get your hands on an reposado or anejo (the difference in color and taste comes from the length of the aging process)

Before I sign off I have one more important suggestion to make when stocking a bar. If you are not sure what to buy, don’t underestimate the power of the nip (which also sounds like an obnoxious turnaphrase used in a porn shoot). Stuck between two brands and can’t decide. Go buy a few little bottles (nips) and try them out. They usually contain one shot, and could even lend themselves to a “help-me-decide-what-shit-I-like” party. Remember that it is your bar and despite any efforts to make others happy with your selections it is still yours, you should by what YOU like and if your guests don’t like it they can feel free to drink at home.
I hope she will find this bare bones analysis helpful, as I hope you will too. I plan to come back with more detailed overview of each spirit as well as with some time spend on various “other” bar supply essentials.

Breakfast for Dinner

So everyone has those days, those days where you had a late lunch, and it’s now five and you are neither hungry nor do you have any idea what to make for dinner. Well after considerable deliberation…and I mean considerable….like it took forty minutes…my aunt and I decided to make waffles and have the ever popular, breakfast for dinner. Well I go in the pantry to get the stuff to make them and discover that I have a can of pumpkin. Well shit officially got real and I made delicious but unseasonal pumpkin pancakes. They basically follow the recipe for Martha’s Pumpkin Pancakes so that is the recipe I will give you. The only difference is instead of cooking on a skillet, place in a hot waffle iron, sprayed with cooking spray, and cook for about 5-8 minutes.

Pumpkin Pancakes
Bowl 1:
1 ¼ cups all-purpose Flour
2 TBSP sugar
½ tsp cinnamon, ground ginger and salt
2 tsp baking powder
Pinch of ground cloves
1/8 tsp nutmeg
Whisk to combine
Bowl Two:
1 cup milk
6 tbsp canned pumpkin puree
2 tbsp melted butter
1 egg
Whisk together then fold into dry ingredients. Heat skillet over medium heat. Spray with cooking spray or melted butter. Cook pancakes three minutes each side.

These are absolutely amazing....trust me.